Unflipped or Floppie?

I’m back with an opinion today; an opinion that will likely be controversial. There is fashion that is just tasteless and there is fashion that is just plain vulgar. Vulgar is the term I use to describe what I call Tijuanna toe shoes, jandals in New Zealand, slippers in Hawaii, and thongs in Australia. Americans mostly call the annoying foot hazards, flip-flops.

People, these are not shoes! No matter what material you use to make them or how many sequins you glue on them, they are just dangerous and nasty, annoying, casual wear that I really don’t understand anyone even wanting to have in their closet.

Simply put, I find Tijuanna toe shoes to be vulgar. Yes I said vulgar! Do me a favor? Before you set about lambasting me, look up the word “vulgar” in the dictionary. Then look at a pair of the foot flapware, and tell me I’m wrong. Only the depraved in third world countries should wear flip-flops, and only then if they are the cheapest foot wear available at the time.

In an article I read on flip-flops last week, I learned that evidently they are not patented. I would like very much to point up this fact to Bill Gates, and suggest that he integrate them into the operating system of the postponed again, pending, new release of Wintendo. Once Bill starts charging inflated licensing fees for every pair, we should see flip-flops go underground. Of course there will always be bootleg flip-flops, and the Microshaft faithful, so it’s not a complete solution. Still, envisioning Microsoft emblazoned down the straps of every pair of toe thongs is somehow both humorous and satisfying. But, anywho!

Another thought is to permit the RIAA to copyright the flip-flop as a sound recording. Then they could fight the spread of flip-flops by suing wearers, and lobbying congress for special protection of their business model that suppresses free enterprise and limits free choice. But I’m really not wanting to destroy the entire footwear industry; just flip-flops. So, that’s probably not the best solution.

It was suggested to me that perhaps we could get a law passed that says flip-flop wearers must shop at Walmart, keeping them out of the path and vision of everyone except Walmart shoppers. I have noticed though, that Walmart shoppers in high numbers already pretty much support that effort. I think it would be safe to say that all flip-flop wearers shop at Walmart. The problem is, they are also still free to shop elsewhere. And besides, aren’t all of us forced to shop at Walmart for at least a few things, if not many?

Now, if Walmart would ban flip-flops from their stores, I’m sure that measure would put a dent into their being worn in public. But, very likely such a measure would only serve to boost the popularity of the Tijuanna toe shoe’s first cousin, the gel sandal; second runner up for ugly and vulgar. And come to think of it, banning flip-flops and gel sandals would very likely cut a bite of several hundred million dollars a year out of Walmart’s annual sales. So, forget soliciting Walmart’s assistance in ridding the planet of the foot flapping scourge.

I’m at wits end on this issue. Meanwhile, the din of ka-fop, ka-fop, ka-fop, grows even louder with each passing day of the summer. Something has to give! I suggest that the rest of us, the unflipped, resort to stomping on the exposed toes of the thoughtless vulgarites who insist on continuing to undermine fashion culture. If you have a better solution, I want to hear it. Weigh in people! We the unflipped must act to save the feet of our society, and our own sensibilities!

I’m wondering if there aren’t some political divisions to be discerned here. Don’t you wonder how a floppie would vote? No doubt it would be opposite of my unflipped vote. And with politicians always flip-flopping on issues… yeah, I think I’m on to something. It’s a good thing too, that we may get a grip on this before the gel sandal bunch runs somebody for US President. We better get busy. I hear gel sandals are gaining popularity in Arkansas and New York, two Tijuanna toe shoe strongholds. But thankfully, not here, beneath the Carolina moon.

I’ll do my best to not mess up and delete any comments this time around.

Dread

PS: It's good to learn that Napoleon is alive and well, and posting once again at The Life and Times of Mediocrity.